Come ON!

Well, dad started his first round on chemo on Friday.  He has to have two different kinds, both of which are a broad base chemo.  The first is an infusion through an IV.  He got a pic line put in on Friday, but when he goes back to AZ on Aug 16th, he will have a port surgically implanted in his chest.  The second chemo is in pill form.  He hasn't been able to take it yet because it has to be approved by his insurance.  The first day of chemo, he did well.  He was feeling fine, but this was to be expected.  The nurses told him, reactions to chemo normally start after the second dosage.  Well, Sat he woke up really sick, as in nauseous.  He and my mom were coming home that day, and my mom said he looked green.  She was really worried he was going to loose it on the airplane, but he coped and made it home.  So now on top of the horrible pain he is in, he has a continual state of wanting to vomit, but can't.  I can't even imagine what he is going through.  I have such a disarray of thoughts.  First I think, I want him around forever.  I have said this before, but I just can't imagine a life without my dad.  He is my super hero.  He never got sick when we were growing up, and he could do anything.   So, of course I want him to take any medication or herb we can come up with, because he HAS to get better.  Then my second thought comes, is the quality of his life, the pain and sickness, worth the drugs' side effects?  If I know his days are numbered, why would I want him to subject himself to misery in hopes I can have my dad a few months longer.  Then my third thought comes, whatever he wants to do, I will support him no matter what.  I will be there for him and cherish the time we have left whether it be days, weeks, months or God willing -years.
Like I said, on Saturday he was not doing well.  He was very sick, but my mom was home taking care of him.  I call multiple times a day to check in on him and see if there is anything I can do, whether it is bring him food, a new DVD, pick up medication, just anything.  Well, when I called on Sunday morning, my mom answered the phone.  She sounded very raspy like she had been crying.  I asked what was wrong, and she started crying and just said, it wasn't a good morning.  In the back ground I heard my dad asking if it was me on the phone, and said he needed to talk to me.  When he got on the phone, he fell apart.   He started sobbing.  He didn't need to say anything, I knew.  I knew deep down, he wanted this to be over one way or another.  My mom got back on the phone, and in between sobs I heard my dad ask if I would come out and be with him. Luckily, Vic was home, so I was able to throw some clothes on and go immediately  to my parents' house.  When I got there, my mom was sitting at the kitchen table with red eyes.  I look over to my dad who was curled up on the couch and he just held his arms out to me.  I went and hugged him and he just held me for 5 min.  He was crying, but also saying how much he loved me, how proud he was of me, what a good mother he thought I was.  I can honestly say, it felt like he was getting everything off his chest that he has been wanting to say and also saying goodbye at the same time.  I will never forget that moment for the rest of my life.  I know he has told my mom that he is ready to die and that he can't live like this anymore.  I wish I could tell him to snap out of it, and saying stuff like that is just giving up, but I can't.  If I were in his shoes, I might be saying the same thing.  All we can do is stay strong and supportive and surround him in as much love as we possibly can.  We are praying with every fiber of our beings that these chemos will take affect and the tumors will stop growing, or at the very least, slow down.  Now getting back to the second chemo, which is the pill form.  He hasn't been able to start taking it yet, because it has to be authorized by his insurance.  Well just today, he found out that the pill was denied.  I can't even express how angry and pissed off I am.  This is a matter of life and death, and the insurance agency denies chemotherapy to a cancer patient.  It is so wrong and unethical on so many levels.  So not only is my dad fighting for his life daily, he now has to fight with the insurance agency for his life.  Life is so unfair.