Hospice

Well my life has become so bittersweet as of late.  I feel so hollow lately and my heart feels like there is a continual knife in it.  My dad is only getting worse.  The only thing I can compare him to is pictures of holocaust victims at a prison camp.  He is that skinny and weak.  I go out to be with him at least every other day, and every time I go out I see a drastic difference in him.  His face has hollowed out so much his front teeth and jaw are protruding.  He has no wanting to eat, I think he forces himself to eat about one meal for every 4-5 days.  The only nutrients he gets is when he drinks a half glass of milk when he takes his medicine every day.  I have never witnessed anything like this before.  This last week, he accepted to get set up with hospice.  We believe when he accepted hospice, he accepted he is going to die.  I was there with him for every second.  Our nurse, Julie, is very  nice.  She treats him with nothing but respect and dignity.  I try to be so strong when I am with him, and do anything he asks of me.  Then as soon as I get in my car to drive home, I completely break down.  I know death is a part of life, and we are all going to die at some point.  But as his child I grew up thinking my dad was invincible and I believed that nothing could kill him save old age.  I honestly don't think I will ever be the same after going through this.  My dads suffering has changed how I view life.  I know that from now on I will never stop telling the people I love how much they mean to me.  I want to cherish every second of my son's life even if he is driving me crazy!  I never want to hold a grudge, and even though I know Vic and I will have our battles, I never want to go a day without letting him know how much I love him.  You never know when someone you love will be ripped away from you, and then you will be left with regrets.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom  to know the difference"

A picture of dad the day after he got set up with hospice