David Charles East

I don't even know where to begin, I am still so much in shock and a state of numbness.  As I was sitting reminiscing about my dad with my family last night, I kept looking over to the garage expecting him to walk in with his camouflage cap on and a beer in his hand.  He would always go straight to the kitchen sink and wash all the dirt, gas or oil off his hands from tinkering in the garage all day.  I feel he is just away on a camping or hunting trip right now.  I don't think the reality that my dad is no longer physically here has totally sunk in.  I feel so raw and hollow.  People have asked me if I feel abandoned, and I don't.  I think that 7 months of preparing my soul has helped a little, but no matter what preparations you give yourself, nothing can prepare you to watch and hear that last breath of someone you love. 

The beginning of the end started last Thursday.  I have been driving back and forth from Lehi to Farr West every chance I could.  If Jack had school, I would wait till he finished, drive to my in-laws, drop Jackson off there so he could nap, and spend the whole afternoon with my dad.  When I was driving out last Thursday, I got a call from my sister, Cathie.  She asked if dad was as bad as my aunt and gma said he was.  She was a little panicked, and I could just feel my heart start racing.  I told her that I hadn't even arrived yet, but I would let her know as soon as I got there.  Apparently, my dad started what is called "terminal restlessness".  Let me also state that his last meal he forced himself to eat was two weeks prior to his death.  I came out and made some home maid soup for my family.  My dad ate an entire bowl, but it took him almost an hour.  That was it, after that he couldn't eat anymore.  So, ultimately, he was starving to death.  The tumor in his throat was so painful and growing so large he couldn't swallow.  So when I arrived last Thursday, my dad was painfully thin but also couldn't be still.  He would want to sit on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands or lay back down, then back to sitting.  He was starting to become delirious.  He wanted to drink his milk out of the garbage can, or he insisted on going home from the hospital, but we were just sitting in his living room in his house.  We have been just watching him progress from this healthy farmer to, well for lack of better word, an alien.  This man was not my dad.  He was so thin that his bones poked out of his skin.  You could feel the tumors protrude.  His thigh was as big as my forearm.  His mind was going, and we became aware that the cancer progressed to his brain. So we opted to call my brother, Chad and tell him to come back to Utah earlier than planned.  At this point we didn't know if my dad would last the week.  I decided to stay in Ogden after that.  My friend took Jack back to Lehi for me, and Vic stayed home with him for the rest of the week.  I just couldn't be away from my dad.  He was spiralling downward so fast.  Chad and some more of my family left MN that night and arrived Friday afternoon.  By Friday dad wasn't even talking much.  But when Chad walked in, he was able to smile, hold Chad's hand and mumble, "hey there, bud."  Those were the last words spoken to my brother.  When I left that night I went and kissed him on the forehead and told him I loved him, and his last words to me were, "I love you too."  Sat was worse.  He stopped going to the bathroom, stopped drinking any fluids, and stopped taking any pills.  He was only on a liquid pain med that went into an IV that was plugged into his chemo port on his chest.  This pain med was so strong, he mostly slept all day.  When he did wake, he just wanted mom by his side.  That night when I left to go to bed, I had such a sick feeling in my stomach.  I just knew I needed to go back to my parents, but then decided since I was so tired, and my mom was an  RN, she would call me if anything happened. 
Sunday morning I woke to the phone ringing.  It was my uncle.  He told me I needed to get out there immediately.  All I could formulate was, "Are you serious?"  I grabbed some clothes, ran out the door and went 100mph down the interstate.  I guess Sat night was excruciating for my dad, my mom and my aunt.  My dad was so anxious.  But soon he became so weak he couldn't even sit up or cough the phlegm up so the death rattle began.  Around 5am, the hospice nurse came and increased his pain meds.  He was as close to a coma as you can be, I think.  He wasn't very responsive, and just slept.   As soon as I got to the house I just ran over to the bed and grabbed his hand.  I looked at my mom and brother and all three of us just broke down.  Cathie was on her way over as well.  When Cathie arrived, I asked if we could do a family prayer.  Chad and my mom were each holding one of my dad's hands and the rest of us all connected in a circle.  My aunt prayed and by the time she was done we were all weeping.  My mom, Chad, Cathie and I along with both sets of grandparents, my dad's two sisters, my two uncles, and cousin all just sat by his side all day Sunday.  I didn't want to let go of his hand.  I just held it, because if I let it go I would see that his fingertips were turning blue.  The rest of his body was on fire.  My dad's body was fighting so hard, and he had a 102 fever.  No one can say that my dad gave up.  This man fought till the end.  He believed with is whole heart that he was going to win this battle.  He even bought an elk hunting license, because he knew he was going to beat cancer.  Around 1pm my mom pulled up the legs of his pants, and her face went white.  His knees had started to purple, or mottling as what it is technically called.  His feet had gone ice cold, his fingertips blue, his knees purple, but his rattled breathing was still constant and his pulse was strong.  Even though we had other signs of the end, we sort of let our guard down because his breathing was so regular.  But he was in so much pain.  This is not how my dad wanted to live or die.  He was in agony and to watch him suffer like that was like someone slowly scoring your heart.  The pain we felt was unbearable, but I am sure the pain he felt was excruciating.  After the mottling started, I went and sat up by his head.  I just sat there and stroked his hair and kissed his forehead.  I would whisper in his ear how much I loved him.  I told him that he needed to let go.  It was time for him to be our guardian angel.  I told him that Jack would never forget his papa, and I would talk to him every night and tell him about my day.  I told him I would miss him every second of my life.  I told him that Chad, Cathie and I would take care of mom, since this was his biggest worry.  Back when my dad could talk, he asked me if I would always take care of my mom.  He said he has been doing it since she was 15yrs old.  He said he is so scared for her to be alone.  I kept whispering that mom wouldn't be alone, we would take care of her.  At 6:00pm, my dad stopped breathing.  We all just jumped up and screamed "DAD, DAD, DAD!!"  My mom flung her body on his and cried "DAVID, NO!!"  He took one last breath, opened his eyes, he looked at his family and when he got to Chad's face, he smiled and let out his very last breath.  I never knew how instantaneous death was.  One second you can still see the soul in your loved ones eyes, and the next they are an empty shell.  I can't even express the pain that engulfed me when I witnessed my mom clinging to my dad's body.  I just ran outside and wept.  Chad came out and held me.  Somehow we managed to call our spouses.  I don't even think Victor understood my words, but he knew what I was saying.  My family is a very close and tight knit group.  We all just held each other for what felt like hours.  After a while, the hospice nurse came and started cleaning my dad up.  I had to leave again.  It made me sick watching her handle my dad's body.  My mom came over to the stairs where I was sitting and asked if I would help her pick out an outfit for dad to leave in.  Before he stopped talking he made us swear not to put him in dress clothes.  So we got out his jeans, his favorite t-shirt and cap.  My mom dressed him.  After the the nurse left, it was time to wait for the mortuary to bring the hearse.  We all congregated with my dad's body in the living room.  My dad still had a smile on his face.  He must have witnessed something good and been in peace in that last second of life.  We kept telling ourselves that he was happy, healthy and smiling down on us right now.  But, I don't care how religious you are, it really doesn't heal your heart.  Not right now, anyways.  Maybe in the near future I can view his death like that, but right now it is still so raw.  I want nothing more than for him to come up and give me one of his bear hugs or hear is voice.  When the people from the mortuary came, my aunt took me out to the deck.  She knew I wouldn't be able to witness my dad being zipped up in a body bag.  Cathie had already left to go home.  She couldn't handle it either.  Chad, however, stayed.  He helped lift dad's body, and bring him out to the vehicle.  The next morning, I asked Chad how he could do that.  For me it would have meant a lifetime of nightmares.  Chad simply said, "I had to."

Every day since Sunday has been a roller coaster.  I go from being numb on hour to crying the next.  We have stayed busy, and that helps keep our minds occupied.  We have decided to cremate my dad.  My aunt said it best when she said, "let us kill what killed your dad."  We have been planning his service for tomorrow, and getting ready to fly to MN in two weeks with his ashes to bury next to my great-grandparents. 

I know it is going to hurt for a longtime yet.  But in truth, we did have 7 months to prepare, and get ourselves ready for this.  I feel I have been able to start thinking about my dad without breaking down.  I can tell stories about him and laugh.  I can reminisce about all the good he brought to my  life.  I don't remember him the way he was the day he died.  I will always remember him happy and healthy.  My dad was an amazing dad.  He would do anything for me, and tried to protect me till his last day.  He lived for his grand kids.  Nothing brought a smile to his face faster than Jack and Jaidy, and the knowledge that one was on the way.  He really was the best Papa. 

I love you so much, dad.  I will miss you forever.

May the Lord bless you and keep you.

May the Lord make his face to shine upon you,
and be gracious unto you.

May the Lord lift up his countenance upon you,
and give you peace.